Where There is No Struggle … There is No Progress

Where There is No Struggle … There is No Progress
By Marc Cameron

Like many people in this crazy post-COVID housing market, my wife and I have jumped on the train of selling our home and buying a new one. In this current market we have found ourselves competing against several buyers for each house we have liked, all of them being “aggressive” in their offers (good news for sellers!). My wife and I are both recovering Vacillators, meaning we have to keep our idealization and impulsivity in check to stop ourselves from “falling in love” with that “perfect” house and then going “all in” to try and get it! Throughout this process we have experienced the disappointment of not having our offer ultimately accepted and have had to catch ourselves when getting caught up in longing after outcomes that didn’t materialize.

We are well into the fall season and I am writing this on Halloween, the night of “Trick or Treat”, I am reminded how learning to accept my areas of growth, rather than pushing back against them, can make me stronger, rather than weaker. I can turn the “trick” into a “treat”! Each of the most common attachments can struggle differently with accepting their areas of growth. However, learning to accept the challenging nature of life is necessary for us to move toward security. Before we can change, transform, or redeem something, we must first accept it.

Since Vacillators tend to idealize and get stuck in two minds, overcoming barriers to acceptance may be learning how to accept both ambivalence and imperfection. Life is often messy as it unfolds in its imperfect nature. Every decision in life leads to multiple pathways and forks in the road where we can choose to go one way or another, and sometimes there are even third, fourth, or fifth options! Learning to accept and overcome ambivalence will come as you learn to appreciate the beauty of free-will in life, where not everything is chosen for us and where we learn from our mistakes. This is what builds character and transforms us into the spouses, parents, and friends we desire to be. We overcome ambivalence when we let one of our conflicting feelings win and then not look back and long for outcomes that didn’t happen, or worry about not making the ideal or optimum decision. Acceptance of imperfection comes as we learn to catch our idealization and recognize it as a defense mechanism against pain, and seeing how idealization ultimately leads to disappointments feeling greater than they actually are. Many of our decisions in life will likely have pain involved at some point down the road, but the goal in life is not to avoid all pain or be happy – the goal is to be healthy and secure!

Pleasers tend to freeze and pull back when faced with conflict and harsh tones from others, but taking the path of least resistance is usually what holds back their growth. If this sounds like you, for your growth, you will likely need to accept that holding boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable. You may also need to recognize you are big enough and strong enough to take care of yourself in adulthood! Growth will come by believing and accepting you can be okay, even when others are upset with you for holding healthy boundaries. This is often the path others need for them to work through their own insecurities. Being alone in something does not necessarily mean you are being abandoned!

For many Avoiders, growth lies in accepting that dealing with emotions from ourselves and others can be uncomfortable, but is also necessary to have fulfilling relationships. Recognizing and experiencing difficult feelings, such as the stages of grief, is the often the necessary journey to bring us to acceptance rather than pushing difficult emotions aside and pretending the problem does not impact us. When we avoid our feelings we deny the reality of how we are emotionally designed to be as humans! Not learning to connect with your emotions is one of the barriers that stops Avoiders from connecting with others.

The journey of life for each of us has many unexpected twists and turns, and we can be caught off guard by things we don’t think we are prepared for. When this happens, we can either equip ourselves to adapt to our circumstances with a healthy response or react against them in unhealthy ways.

If you are unsure about your Love Style, check out the Love Style Quiz.