Grief During the Holidays
By Debbie Hetschel
The twinkling lights of Christmas are up in the shopping malls, songs of Christmas are being played in public places or our playlist, we’re encouraged to start our shopping early, talk of ‘who will you spend the holiday with?’ and holiday travel are almost as common as ‘how are you?’
It is a magical time of year, but the holidays are the farthest from magical if you have lost a loved one. They are a stark reminder that someone we loved is not at that Thanksgiving table, not there to welcome us into the family home, not on the other end of your phone call or to open that colorfully wrapped package under the Christmas tree. An awareness that other families and children are enjoying the excitement of this time of year, is excruciating and like a bright spotlight on the pain.
For many in grief, especially the first few years, the holidays can be a time you might wish you could just take a sleeping pill and wake up when they are over.
When I lost my son 27 years ago I remember just wanting to curl up in my bed and be oblivious to the joy and celebration I had enjoyed for so many years, now marked by the profound absence forever of one of my children. The reality that others were enjoying their families made me feel so alone.
The term ‘breaking heart’? It is a physical sensation. And more than ever now in the holidays.
So how do we make it through the holidays if you’ve lost a loved one, or if someone you care about is facing the celebratory time without their loved one? These are just a few suggestions I have learned for myself and from others. Maybe one will be helpful for you.
- Do things differently this year. Start a new tradition-maybe pizza instead of turkey or a stocking for your loved one that people can write a note and place it inside. Don’t do decorations or do them very differently, travel somewhere. You can even “cancel” a holiday. There will be many more. What is one thing that is meaningful to you? Seeing family? The food? Gifting? Something totally unrelated? Do that and do it SIMPLY.
- Have a Plan B. You have the right to change your mind at any time.
- Expect to feel some pain. Let yourself cry in public or alone, and know the grief is the love.
- Also allow yourself to have fun without guilt!
- Seek support from those who will let you be you without questions, and care for yourself.
- Give or do something for others. This could be other children, a stranger, another griever and can be a healing experience.
FOR THOSE SUPPORTING SOMEONE GRIEVING
- Be sensitive to the needs of the griever. There is no norm, everyone is different. Listen and support, don’t question their decisions to do things differently.
- Talk about and use the name of the one who died. We like to have our loved one remembered and love to hear your memories of them, even if it makes us cry.
- Don’t ask what they need. Just write a note, drop off a meal/gift, make an offer with no expectations.
Countless suggestions could be added to these lists, as many as people are different. If you are grieving, I am so sorry for your loss. I know your heart is breaking. I hope you can let go of the pressure of holiday expectations and know you will make it through these holidays in whatever way makes them most bearable for you. Your pain is the love, and that honors your loved one.
