Do The Hard Work – It’s Worth It!
Jennifer DeKlotz, LMFT
My husband, Rob, and I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. In the past, I often heard people say their secret to a successful marriage was they “laughed together” or “never stopped dating each other” or “never let the sun go down on their anger”. While there is some truth to all of these bits of wisdom, it also felt like they were minimizing the reality that during a 30 plus year marriage there will be times of pain, heartache and conflict, and my marriage is no different.
I think it’s safe to say for me and Rob that the legacy we have left our four adult children has not been “Wow, you make it look so easy.” No, the actual truth is that it has been simply REAL HARD WORK.
Our adult kids celebrated our 40th anniversary with us by honoring us this past weekend and treating us to a beautiful dinner party. All four are committed to their significant others and we are so thankful for the choice each one has made for a partner. During our dinner together each of them shared what they learned from our marriage that they want to keep in their own marriage.
As each one shared, I realized we had given them the ability to see clearly the good and bad in our marriage, and still give us the gift of a sincere affirmation. Our oldest daughter spoke of how she learned how to affirm other people within our family. My husband made an intentional effort to teach our children on each family member’s birthday how to find character traits in that person that they appreciated. She also noticed that all of her siblings are gifted communicators. Each of them built confidence in their own abilities by watching their mom and dad have their own dreams and going after them.
Our second daughter spoke about how we had a very emotionally charged home, but she was thankful that as a child she felt the freedom to “feel her feelings”. She had a LOT of big feelings, especially in her teenage years, and she appreciated how we gave her the space to feel them.
Our third daughter shared how she learned about loyalty to family from us. We were a “messy” and loud family but we always somehow worked through our issues and came out the other side … bruised but not broken … and still committed to each other. She reflected on how each of her siblings had chosen partners who demonstrate that same sense of loyalty.
Our son talked about how he observed us serving each other and how we gave of ourselves to make the household run well. His dad would clean, do dishes, mow the lawn, coach teams, and carpool, etc. He saw all the ways we sacrificed for them and each other.
I say all this because we still WORK REAL HARD at this 40 year marriage. Now, in my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist, when people ask me what’s the secret to a long marriage or even successful parenting, I say, “Be the healthiest emotional person you can be. Take responsibility for you. You only get one life to live.”
All healthy relationships have at least one person who has learned to live into emotional health, and it doesn’t happen overnight. The Bible is clear that just as our developmental maturity takes time to grow from infancy to adulthood, our emotional and spiritual growth is the same, but with one added component: Intention.
Intentional growth is making the courageous choice to move away from insecurity and immaturity and move towards security and maturity.
My husband and I have built a marriage that we are grateful for. It hasn’t come easy. We have both fought for it, and it is worth it. We have worked hard individually and together and looking back, I am proud of where we have come.
PS. Rob, I love you more than the day we married and wouldn’t trade what we’ve built after 40 years for anything! You are my forever love.
I just read this randomely and it blessed me so much. Thank you for sharing. Very encouraging and challenging.