IN FOCUS
This Month With Darren Bagwell, LMFT
This season has created additional layers of stress for everyone. We’ve all adjusted to new circumstances, many have experienced painful losses, and handling challenging new rhythms of life have led to increased anxiety and depression for others. At times, we have difficulty finding the words to express these feelings, and we just experience the raw emotion. Clearly, it’s been a lot to handle over the past several months, and when we aren’t aware of our inner world, these feelings and emotions not only affect us, but also everyone and everything around us.
Like many of you, I also have to be reminded of the simple practice of pausing to reflect on my current emotional state. This is the very thing I coach and encourage my clients to do, but it still comes up in my life. When living life one day at a time, one week after another, I’m not always aware of the impact “pandemic life” is having on me and my relationships with my family and others. It can be so subtle, and it shows up in not-so-subtle ways.
For example, it’s an ordinary Saturday morning in the Bagwell home. I’m not sure why, but for some reason I found myself being irritable and critical of my wife, Kayli. She graciously asked me on this particular morning, “what are you feeling right now?” Hearing her question, I felt my body stiffen and my mood changed to a more defensive posture. I knew at that moment she could see something I wasn’t recognizing. She could see I was projecting feelings on to her that I was not aware of.
We’ve made an agreement in our family. When someone asks about feelings, we’ve agreed we would try to thoughtfully answer the question. In all honesty, my initial reaction on this particular morning was to get annoyed, but I knew I should pause and consider her question (especially because this is what I do for a living).
After taking my own “emotional pulse” I realized I was feeling afraid and insecure over a financial issue. It really had nothing to do with Kayli, and a few moments later I was able to gather myself and express my fear and insecurity over this one situation, using feeling words.
Emotions are triggered inside us all the time, and even happen unconsciously. Our feelings are the conscious experience of our emotional reactions, and we need to be able to talk about them.
Once I was able to connect with the buried emotions of fear and insecurity I could then express my feelings to Kayli in a healthy way, instead of projecting emotions I wasn’t even aware of. I was then able to verbalize my feelings and allow her to come close with empathy and compassion, which is what she was attempting in the first place.
Think of your emotions as your brain giving you a signal you have a need. In my case, a need for reassurance.
I asked Kayli if she could remind me that we are going to be okay. I wanted her reassurance that my financial worries would be resolved. I know it sounds simple, but this helps me when I am feeling insecure. She offered me what I needed in that moment. I felt loved, I felt safe, and more connected to her.
This is a home run for relationship. But even if Kayli is not present when I feel insecure, I can do the same thing for myself. I can pause, ask myself what I am feeling, remind myself of what is true, and then ask what I need. I can offer reassurance to myself, and receive relief.
When you are unaware of your feelings, they drive your behavior. Journaling your feelings is a great way to increase self-awareness. To help you in this area, we are offering a couple of free resources, the Feeling Words List and the Comfort Circle Journal Worksheet. Take 5-10 min to work through this activity individually. Bring a journal and write down the feelings that come up. The Comfort Circle can help you identify your feelings and offer yourself what you need when stress or challenging emotions are present.
For bonus points, share your newfound insight with someone.
While understanding and exploring your feelings can be done on your own, this exercise is very effective when used as a couple and can contribute to a healthier relationship. You should ask these questions of one another with the goal of listening to each other and bringing comfort or relief to your challenging feelings. Give the Comfort Circle a try. I think you’ll see a big difference!
Great job. Keep going!
Darren Bagwell, LMFT
