Tending Your Soul
By Catherine Ross
Ah, I’m so grateful the days are lengthening with sunshine, and we’ve enjoyed some recent rain. Especially at this time of year, my yard calls me to linger where the birth of spring is evident. In just another few days it will be Easter, when Christians around the world gather to celebrate Christ’s resurrection, the ultimate gift of New Life. As I turn the soil around the roots of my grape vines and fruit trees, folding in an organic fertilizer, I’m reminded of the many ways we humans too need proper nourishment to flourish physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Twenty-five and more years ago, I never would have been able to ¬relax while enjoying such tedious labor as pruning, shaping, raking, or tilling. I had busy young ones underfoot, but the truth is, back then, I simply couldn’t relax and feel joy. I didn’t complain of that because, actually, I wasn’t aware of it. Privately, what I knew was when all was quiet or still, I’d hear a critical voice in my head finding fault with how I measured up as a mother, wife, daughter, friend…what was wrong with the meal I’d prepared last night, or something I’d said to a neighbor last week. Thoughts like this plague those of us with an anxious attachment.
When we first enter counseling, it’s usually because we are in serious emotional pain in some significant relationship in our lives; often we believe that if the other person would just behave differently, we’d be fine or even happy! What my therapist helped me discover was that the words or actions of my spouse, which felt so deeply hurtful, produced aching feelings in me that had been replaying in my body and mind since early childhood. These feelings began to define my relationship with myself; and to my chagrin, it turned out my husband wasn’t responsible for my misery! Sure, my hubby of 32 years (whom I now call Wonderman) had plenty to learn in couples counseling, but I became aware that if I continued to harbor this harsh internal critic, I could never be without constant fear and the feelings of failure.
Another thing I fought in counseling for quite a while, but finally came to accept, was that I couldn’t change my husband one iota! Indeed, the only person we can ever change is ourselves. What a lot of work that turned out to be! I’ll never be done this side of heaven, but I am forever grateful that I eventually learned to incorporate the grace of Jesus (in the voice of my therapist, Kay Yerkovich) inside me. I’d been a Christian my whole life but never able to feel deeply a sense of abiding love that is foundational to a healthy sense of self. If our parents were limited in their capacity to provide that grace and truth together, we’ll always be in need of repair-enting.
Are you hard on yourself? If your internal voice is not how you’d speak to your best friend, make an attempt to capture those thoughts and ask yourself, “when and how did I learn to talk to myself this way?” After decades of experience I can confidently say, that negative voice is not helping you in any way. Of course, we should apologize and ask for forgiveness when appropriate, but please put effort into being gentle, kind, and encouraging to yourself. With much practice, you and those close to you will be able to relax in the presence of your augmented patience and compassion. Such extended grace is one of the fundamental ingredients that nourishes an abundant crop of joy.
